Dust To Dust: Regret

LcarpetTo all but an elite group of artists and wannabe artists who live not far from me, the floral pattern that decorates this text might be the soft-brushed, abstract vision of a rush toward Heaven and Hell. A sorting out of winners and losers, with streams of blood staining both the angels and the devils.

I consider that no one ever wins this imaginary battle. Yet, the fire-inspired homilies that speak with spirit to such divisions among us incite rushes of adrenalin that lead to fervor and then create a group-sculpted, fear-infused slimy creature that crawls up one’s legs, tickles the crotch in just the right spot, instigates the hips to dance as if ready for lust, and then slithers through eyes, ears and nostrils, to accomplish its ultimate goal of seeping into each member of the congregation’s frightened brain. “We believe!”

“Call our beliefs fear-based if you will. Yes, we feared there existed no supreme, ineffable Dr. God. But now we know that he is handsome to some, while to others she is pure (ooooh, a virgin!), yes, pure, and tempting by way of her purity. Still, she is never to be touched by whatever now touches us as we congregate, gyrate and undulate. Yes, now we believe.”

And, I, AVT, suspect that WE is good wherever WE is based on love (and a helping of lust sounds delicious). As well, I know that WE belief systems can, and do, sometimes turn toward evil. WE can quick become an immoveable monolith composed of brainwashed drones.

All of the paragraphs that preceded this one were written without edit. The writers’ cognoscenti who live “out there,” a regular cabal of all that is literary (including candlelit, clandestine caucuses held inside deep, dark caves), would have me delete that kind of foreplay. But I won’t this time, because it might be entertaining for any folks who read this to criticize, deconstruct, or even demolish that unnecessary prologue.

SIDE NOTE # 1: Many writers, published and not, will recognize that feathery battle graphic (above) for what it is. Perhaps they’ll tell us.

One famous author, in particular, a man we all love for his dedication not just to writing books that might well save lives, but dedication also to touring the globe (and beyond?) to hear from and talk with the young people of whom he writes. This author once told us that he wrote a great chunk of his first – now famous – novel quite near to where this tapestry lives. Speak up, sir.

FullSizeRender This afternoon, I sit in the same hallowed hall where once sat poets of high renown. A friend drove me here, and left me to scribble notes that go nowhere but where my mind travels. I am not able to travel on my own anymore; so thank you friend; you are a dear, dear human being.

You might conclude from the photo that adorns this bit of text that this old and scruffy version of AVT, though persistent in the sense that he visits this Poets Hall of Fame in hopes of breathing in a whiff of their creative perfume, is well beyond his black beret days. You would be right to draw that conclusion. I am an old man with a good brain but without the kind of imagination necessary to create a story that doesn’t involve me.

Speaking of that stranger, me, AVT:

Yesterday I visited my new General Practitioner (GP). He is thorough. He is approachable if not warm. He is direct.

I beg your indulgence while I repeat myself. A little more than a year ago, I underwent major surgery. The surgery had nothing to do with my spine, but as a result of this surgery my spine was further damaged. A few of you who read me know the nature of my operation. The doctors were good. Doctor God stood guard. My life was extended.

But extended for what purpose? The pain, physical and mental, has never let up since being “saved.”

Yesterday, my GP looked at my latest blood test results and told me that my kidneys are failing, and that I’m an eventual – if not sooner – candidate for dialysis (two or three times a week, five hours each time). Doctor GP will soon send me to a nephrologist.

To me, that kind of life is no life at all. No, sir, not even for you, Doctor God. Not for anyone will I live like that. I’ve come close once. I know what close feels like. No. I will not “live” like that. I’d rather die writing. All alone and writing.

But I must first fill my eyes with the sun, moon and sky.

So today I decided to beg a ride from someone who dropped me off and then allowed me a few hours of precious solitude.

As a youngster, I stayed to myself so other children wouldn’t see my scars (they did anyway). As a young man, I taught myself to “be sociable” (i.e. ask people questions, then listen to their answers). I think I developed fair social skills over the course of many years.

slo02But at the end of any social gathering, even in the company of people I love so much as to consider them family, I can just about wait to leave and when back home, enter my den of solitude. (Pseudo-Superman becomes Clark-The-Dark Kent.)

Yet, whenever I am alone, I try my best to look toward the pretty parts of this world of which I’ve been a member.

So, along the short walk from my friend’s car to The Poets Hall of Fame, I snapped a few photographs, photographs that added some color to my sometimes dark-shadowed life.

I’ve never been able to meditate. I’ve tried several to many recommended methods. But each method suggested that I toss away my thoughts in favor of being present in the “here and now.” That’s a nonsense notion to me. I am always in the here and now, even when I’m busy recounting or regretting my past. After all, I don’t time travel back to the 1950s and while there occupy myself with regrets I don’t yet know about. Oh, poofadiddle!

My cameras – I’ve owned many over the course of my lifetime – allow me to focus on the present moment.

So perhaps you’ll enjoy, along with me, some of the prettiness that surrounds all of us when we look for it.

Time is indeed limited, but for the short length of one human being’s life, the sun, the moon, the stars and the breezes that cleanse all wounds are limitless.

slo01When I was young, I didn’t know the brutal limits imposed on beauty and on a lifetime. Inside that ignorance live all of my regrets.

Ciao, my friends,

AVT

4 thoughts on “Dust To Dust: Regret

  1. I, too feel devastation in these lines, but also a healthy sense of realism and understanding of your own needs. No one can walk your walk, but we can share the shadow of your thoughts. Thank you for sharing.

  2. karenmcfarland

    What a gorgeous day Anthony! So glad you were able to get out and “smell the roses.” I know that you are facing a most challenging future. And like you, my dear hubby had no back pain until he had his surgery. It is insanity. Really. I feel for your situation my dear friend. That said, I also am acquainted with dialysis. My beautiful mother-in-law went into kidney failure from years of over medicated diabetes treatment. So off she went to dialysis, three times a week. You know, that woman was amazing. Yes, I won’t lie to you, it wasn’t easy. But she did it with dignity and she was still able to enjoy a measure of life. I think that your ability to write about your own personal struggles truly shows immense strength and conviction on your part. You have my upmost respect. Just know that you are never alone. And from what I can tell, you have a tremendous amount of friends who care about you. Yes, our time is limited for now, but not for long. Soon we will be able to face life with eternity in view. 🙂

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